1. Why aren't I able to be me?

 Why can't you do and say the things that you would like to? Why do you react quickly and then find yourself regretting it, thinking only late afterwards about what you could have done instead?

If you feel your brain is a bit of a scumbag, leaving you out in the cold, holding the consequences of some stupid or thoughtless decision, not knowing what to do until too late, and constantly wondering how to be that more composed, slicker version of you, then this is the right place for you. And to a point, you are very much normal.

The real , effective you is your idea of how you would like to be. That comes from two things. First, understanding how your head works, and second, being attentive to the choices that you make with your mind.

Once you understand yourself, it's down being attentive to how you are, all the time. This is much easier to do, once you know how it works.

So here's a situation. Say hello to Joe. Joe is a young guy in his 20s, standing getting soaked in the heavy rain, waiting at a bus stop. There are a few other folks also standing around. Not much is said, but polite eye contact is made between people as they wait, united in the deluge.

The bus stops, but just as you Joe is about to step towards it, some wild kids run along towards it and jump the queue in front of him, noisy and oblivious to the people already waiting there. Joe gets confused for a second, then feels a flash of anger. But he doesn't quite act on it; it's important to be nice. Nobody else says anything. Joe has got other things to worry about. Besides, he is going to get on in a minute once the kids have got on.

But oh no. The doors to the bus whoosh shut. It's full! Those kids took the last few seats. Dammit! The driver glances across through the glass doors at Joe and the other nice folk, shrugs a weak look of sympathy, and the bus chugs off into the street.

Nobody stopped them. Joe's anger comes back, and he feels a bit stupid. What was going through Joe's mind? Was everyone seemed either too polite, or maybe they were scared. Maybe they thought those kids knew something that others didn't. Nah, it's not that. Joe doesn't know why he didn't just say something. Was he afraid to speak up? Too polite to say anything? Confused about the rules for a few seconds?

He consoles himself by thinking he didn't care about it too much anyway. But he struggles to really believe that. He's getting wet through. He was the youngest of the grown-ups; they looked to him for some kind of assertiveness. He is a nice guy. His niceness didn't work for him then. If he just got angry that might have worked. He is certainly strong enough, and can handle himself. A curse word from him and those kids would have stopped right in their tracks. Even if he didn't say anything, if he just pushed in front of the kids, they would have relented. He would have been within his rights to do so. Instead, his emotions now taunt him. He feels like he has been made a fool of. The kids confirm this feeling, laughing and pointing at Joe and the rest of the grown ups from inside the bus as it drives off.

Then he remembers his calmer self. Maybe there was a middle ground. Should he have been more assertive? Those kids would probably have listened. Maybe he could have just pushed ahead; he would have been right to do so. If he did, could he have helped the other grown-ups too by holding the kids back for them?

Joe is clearly a capable and smart enough guy. He was aware of what was happening outside, and had a whole load of options come up in his head as to how to handle the situation. In the end, he made a choice which wasn't really a choice at all: he did nothing, not because he chose to do it, but because he was busy tangling with a mish-mash of emotions and options in his mind. His only consolation is that something really bad didn't happen, but he does think about the incident a lot more afterwards.

A troubling though arrives. Joe realises that if the situation happened again, he would probably act the same. He gets stuck between different options, which took time to clear up, and even then, he can't work out which one is best. He doesn't know how to be effective in a way that he owns his life.

The solution lies in understanding, and being attentive. If Joe was to understand how his emotions creep up on him, how to act on them, redirect them or delay them, then maybe he could have felt more in control. He could have chosen to act more calmly and reasonably, asserting himself for his own and the other folks' sake. He could have laughed the issue off, and chosen not to do anything, because he was actually quite happy to stand in warm rain; it felt sort of refreshing, and his bath when he got home would be that much sweeter and warm. Each of those things would at least be an active decision, rather than the confused dithering that he ended up doing. Joe could proceed in his life as the driver, not the passenger, in his own life story, taking more responsibility for his actions, good or bad.

Being your true self, composed and effective- comes from attending to your mind, how you think and feel, and from choosing what makes sense for you.

Joe, like so many of us, was not being attentive to his true self. He neither knows how his mind seems to work, with its dazzling and competing array of emotions and ideas, nor does he know how to make the right choice for him, from those busy options. All from a little incident at a bus stop.